Scenes From A Recent Trip to England

Barbara Z. Perman, Ph.D.

Scene 1 - Portsmouth, England  We gathered in the dining room in a circle holding hands. We were saying goodbye to the home my dear friends had lived in and my best friend had died in. Each of us, her three now-grown boys, her husband and I shared a thought or a memory. We ended with a group hug. With much encouragement they all started through the house to take one more look in drawers and closets to make sure they had taken anything that was meaningful to them. They simply wouldn't have thought of doing any of this had I not come for a long-needed visit.

Scene 2 - Liverpool, England  I looked around in wonder at the newly acquired apartment of a former student of mine who is now 38. I met him when he was two at a clinic where I witnessed the pronouncement that he was profoundly deaf. His father, a university professor, his mother and I hadn't known at the time that he had several other disabilities. I had felt so much for them that day long ago and over time we developed a close friendship. Now they were giving me a tour of his new digs. When an apartment had come onto the market 5 minutes from their home, they saw it as an opportunity to foster their son's independence. He had moved in four months ago after participating in decision-making regarding the furnishings and even some renovations. What an accomplishment!

Back at my friends' home, I looked around with eyes for opportunities to utilize the space left by their son's relocation. Every room of the house is filled with books, journals, papers, filing cabinets - not just in my professor-friend's home office but everywhere. As he lifted the door of his garage cartons and cartons of books and journals on shelves were revealed. Wearing my Moving Mentor consulting hat, I engaged him and his wife in conversation. In a year he is hoping to retire, but he will continue to write and lecture. I suggested we go on a tour of the house and create a vision of his post-retirement life, then make a plan for how to get ready for it. He still had a full schedule for a year and finding time to include a new project would be challenging. I suggested he make a list of some of the materials he thought he wouldn't need to keep. As he goes through this next year, he should be looking for institutions and individuals who could benefit from collections he no longer needs.

Scene 3 - Oxford, England  Here I was finally reunited with my dear friend and roommate from graduate school! During our catching up, she told me the saga of moving her elderly parents from New York to London.  It was a project that had taken more than a year to accomplish. She needed to give me a full report and to say thank you for all the phone and email coaching I had given to her over that time as the Moving Mentor. It had saved her sanity and stabilized her so that she could be the anchor for her parents. She was definitely "in recovery" from this huge undertaking. As I looked around her house I could see everywhere how her own life had been put on hold and how much lay ahead for her to begin to come back to equilibrium.

Scene 4 - London, England  I found myself sitting at breakfast with the son of a good friend and his partner. She wanted very much to talk about her mother who is turning 60 and hasn't been in good health. She explained that her mom is living in a big house all alone and hasn't cleaned out in many years. The house is beginning to fall apart and she is worried that Mom might just fall apart with it. I shared ideas and information with her, turning her worry into manageable steps she could take to help the situation.

I had not been in Britain in eight years. Though I had been in touch with my friends, we had communicated very little about the day-to-day events of life. Traveling to Britain and finding everyone engaged in transition - their own or that of a loved one - was a great surprise to me. I went to visit friends and found they actually needed my professional help!

In the U.S., 50 million people a year are moving. Many more are thinking about it and still others don't even know they should be thinking about it. We know that moving is one of the five greatest life stressors. It is up there on the list with death of a loved one and divorce. It is stressful for those who are actually making the transition and for family and friends who try to offer support and help. What most people don't know is that there are many things that can help make moving less stressful. Here are a few of them:

1. Plan in advance. Create a 5-year plan. Start by imagining where you'll be and what your life will look like.
2. Do baby-step downsizing. Even if you're not ready to create a plan, go through your home room by room and get rid of the things you don't need or want. Ask others to remove things that belong to them. (Key point:  Cleaning out can help give your life new direction.)
3. Calendar it. Set aside a small block of time once a week or even every other week for managing "stuff," Arranging and simplifying help relieve stress, keep you feeling in control and contribute to your sense of well-being.
4. Consult with a moving management specialist. If you are planning a move, consider handing off the logistics and details to someone with experience. Instead of feeling drained, exhausted and out of control when the move is over, you will discover that you can actually feel strong and ready for your new life when it is done.

Traveling can give us perspective. My trip to England reminded me that life is always moving. If we want to be ready to move along with it, we need to create readiness in our lives. In football they use the term "audible-ready" to describe a change in play which the quarterback shouts out when the team lines up and he sees the change is necessary. Similarly, we all need to make the most of our lives by remaining on the alert for strategic changes we can make before life forces us to make them. We need to plan, talk about our plans and dreams, and be ready for change by keeping things simple at home. How audible-ready are you?