Keeping Your I Love Yous Up To Date

Barbara Z. Perman, Ph.D.

Many people I know are turning sixty. It is interesting to watch them each "deal" with this new reality. I have a friend, Joan, who has spent time brooding over it. She isn't one who usually dwells on age but somehow this time around it was sticking with her. She knew she didn't want a big celebration so her adult daughter Marge planned a low-key gathering of immediate family for a barbeque.

Unbeknownst to Joan, Marge invited a larger circle of caring friends and relatives than Joan was expecting. I was among them. There was no plan to all shout "surprise". The plan was for people to arrive sometime between 1 and 2 p.m. and just casually walk in. Fortunately for me, I arrived on the early side since I brought some ho's d"oeuvres with me. I could not have anticipated the fun and enjoyment of watching Joan be surprised over and over again each time someone who she wasn't expecting entered the room. It was heartwarming.

Throughout the afternoon as I looked over at my friend I could see how filled up she was getting. Indeed, when the magnificent strawberry and sponge layer cake decorated by a family member was brought out and Joan cut the first piece she expressed to those gathered that her heart was full. When she thought there could be no more surprises, Marge brought out the collective gift from the group. It was a "memory jar". Each of us had, in advance of the party, written down some memories and Marge had arranged them all on small pieces of paper and put them in a container so that Joan could pick one anytime. It was the perfect gift for someone who did not want any more material possessions.

The night before the party, Joan had left work early to take some special friends out to dinner. I knew she was doing this out of love for them because her schedule was so over-full that putting this in would otherwise have been viewed as way too much. The two couples she picked up ranged in age from 87 to 100. We had both known them well through our work so she shared with me how much better she was feeling about turning sixty - inspired by their example. Suddenly she was reminded of how much life still lays ahead and the future was full of hope and possibility.

After my call to her, I sat down to unwind and put in a DVD with reruns of the T.V. series "Mad About You".  The young New York couple, Paul and Jamie who are the main characters, had heard that an acquaintance had died suddenly and it prompted them to want to tell each person who mattered to them that they were loved by them. The rest of the show portrayed their way of conveying their "I love yous" to each person who they cared about.

I have discovered that whatever you do from the heart is true and genuine and that whenever our hearts are our motivation for doing something, ultimately good-ness is born. Everyone who came to Joan's party came because his/her heart told them to and they in turn filled Joan's heart up.  Joan took her friends to dinner because it felt like a good thing to do and it turned out to be a comfort to her personally as she tried to come to terms with turning sixty.

It is important to "keep your I love yous up to date" and there are many ways to do this. It might be via a letter, phone call or email that expresses how you feel about someone you care about. It might be by dropping everything in your busy life and driving several hours to be at a low-key birthday party for someone who matters to you. There are limitless possibilities through words and actions that can tell the story about how we feel. It is by far the most important gift we can give or receive.

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Barbara Z. Perman is President of Moving Mentor, Inc. providing moving management, organizing and consulting services. The firm specializes in helping seniors and their families move through change. For more information visit www.MovingMentor.com and www.NoOrdinaryMove.com.