A Letter to Mom or Dad

Barbara Z. Perman, Ph.D.

 "They might not need me, but they might, I'll let my head be just in sight; A smile as small as mine might be Precisely their necessity." ~Emily Dickinson

Over the past several years, many adult children with aging parents have come to us at Moving Mentor, Inc. worried about their parents. They say they've tried to talk with their folks about their concerns, but have been met with resistance. To many an adult son or daughter I have suggested they write a letter to their parent(s). A letter can be much more effective than a face-to-face talk, ensuring the receiver privacy and time to reflect.

It can be time consuming and challenging to compose such a letter. That's why I am suggesting here a template which an adult child can use to create such a "letter to Mom or Dad." My hope is that readers will be able to adapt this model to their particular needs and, by sharing it with their aging parents, find a way to mutual understanding.

Dear Mom and Dad,

It is probably many years since I have written you a letter. While I could just pick up the phone and talk to you, I think this is the best way to share my thoughts and feelings. I hope you will take to heart what I write, understanding that it comes from a need to share with you what's going on for me.

To put it simply, I'm worried about you. You might say, "That's silly, I'm just fine," but it's hard to stop feeling concerned when someone you love is at risk. As people grow older, perhaps it's natural to deny the fact that things are changing. Perhaps you are too proud of your autonomy to listen to anyone who might interfere with it. Yet, by not paying attention it is your autonomy that you may be jeopardizing!

Even though we don't spend as much time together as we once did, we still cannot really hide from truths that are right before us. There are many things I have noticed and been concerned about - your difficulty driving, shopping and preparing food, getting around the house safely, making sure medicine is taken as prescribed, managing the organization of the household, and just how tired you each are getting from taking care of each other.

 

In the past, when I have tried to speak up about this, you have put me off in one way or another. I want so much for you to have the best quality of life you can have for as long as you can have it. For that to happen, we have to be able to talk to each other about what is happening right now and what needs to be done to make things the best they can be. I don't want to just wait for things to happen. I want us to do what we can to take charge of the changes that are upon us and the ones that will be coming.

I have learned that it can require monumental energy from everyone involved to cope with major shifts in lifestyle: short and long term illnesses, surgeries, accidents, memory loss, slow and gradual decline, the death of one spouse with the other left with many burdens. While I hope we'll be fortunate enough to escape such events,  I want to be in the position to help if we are faced with any of them. The way things are arranged right now it is impossible for that to happen.

I have watched my friends face many issues with their aging parents. Some have been caught off guard and have had to leave their jobs or be absent from their own homes and families to attend to needs that have arisen. Other friends' parents have been more proactive, making changes in their living situations to accommodate each step in the aging process. While some of their parents have stayed in their homes and made modifications, others have made a move. There is no one right way for everyone. The important thing is that they have acted before a crisis came along, making the changes that put them in the best possible situation from which to have the best outcomes possible.

Mom, Dad, when can we start to make a plan?  It would give me so much peace of mind to know that we are working on this together. Planning ahead and taking action now-instead of trying to act as if everything is okay when it's obvious that that it isn't-is by far the best way for you to truly maintain control over your life.

I would like to help and here are some ways I might do so. We can visit and work together. I can make some dates to come and see you when we can just talk and think through where things are at now and what might be helpful going forward.  I can do some homework. I can collect information about helping you stay in your home with safety and security. I can make a list of resources and you can follow up on them or I can. I could also gather information about other kinds of living situations, perhaps even something nearby to me.  I can help with paperwork. I could come and help you, or find someone who could help with some of your paperwork or do some downsizing, just to make your environment more manageable.  I can listen to stories.  Perhaps I could record some of your stories as we go through some of your things, making plans for those you no longer wish to keep. I could contact family members who might want them.

Perhaps you have other ideas. Surely the best plan is to start now and not wait for some unforeseen event to rob us of the opportunity of doing it together.

Please get back to me soon so I can arrange things here to take the time to be with you. I know we can create a wonderful opportunity. Just to know you have "listened" to these thoughts brings me relief.

 

Your loving daughter and friend,

P.S.  I realize now that you were right to worry about me when I was a teen and I was reaching out for my independence.  I'm glad I had your help, I hope you will accept mine.

_______________________

Barbara Z. Perman is President of Moving Mentor, Inc., a moving management and consulting firm specializing in helping seniors and their families move through change. Dr. Perman is co-author of "No Ordinary Move, Relocating Your Aging Parents, A Guide for Boomers". For more information visit www.MovingMentor.com and www.NoOrdinaryMove.com.